Coming to terms with what really is and not how you dreamed it would be, is difficult. Haven't we all come to this point many many times in our lives? I don't think it is a novel discovery, and yet it is an on going one. I cannot control most things. Therefore, because I cannot control most things, most things don't go the way that I would write them into the script of my own life.
It has been a long seven years. Not good years. Years of change, pain, and trials. I don't feel happy and encouraging tonight. I feel in need of something, something great.....from God. Seven and a half years ago things changed. The peeling off began. Peeling off layers upon layers of me. What I thought of myself and my life was slowly beginning to change. God has been working, he has been kind, and gentle, but it hasn't been smooth. He has been sanding me, shaping me, and even 220 grit sand paper pulls away fine bumps and evens scratches. I am soft like pine and need to be worked on gently. God is gentle, but the sandpaper still hurts. Smoothing, shaping, layer by layer.
I have come to a point of giving up. I have tried to make my life many things and have failed. So many things that I thought would come about have not, and many other things have. Currently I am a bit stuck. I have a child that is severely sensitive to florescent lights. At times we are just stuck. He has special glasses to wear to protect his eyes, but they have to be worn so tightly that he only wants to wear them for short periods of time. I home school him and we are not the type to be in a group because of all the sick days he has spent, problems with insomnia and all the challenges of this condition. We are stuck here together and it is getting to both of us. I have tied many things, different ways, new plans and ideas, all to find out that I as a person do not have the power to make things the way I want them to be. That is way I feel like giving up.
When I write of giving up I do not mean end my life, or stop trying to be the best Mom I can be. Giving up means stop trying to make life the way I want it. I can't make relationships run smoothly, I can't keep my house clean, I can't stay on top of all clutter and bills. I want to tear my eye balls out when I read yet one more "shiny happy people"( for your entertainment: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCQ0vDAbF7s) blog of other women telling the world how to bake, craft, or live frugally. Really? Does anyone have any of this together? I don't think so.
I took a leap at the beginning of the year and got off Facebook for a time. I love Facebook and hate it at the same time. I love that I have a connection to so many people that I have known along this journey of life. I hate Facebook because I have heard too many stories from women in very difficult situations in life, that turn around and make life look all rosy on there Facebook pages (yes, go ahead and throw rotten tomatoes my way and tell me how we all put our best face forward on social media). I get it. But come on! Really? You want to tell me how awful your life is and then turn around and tell everyone else how good it is? And if you think I'm talking about you, you could be right, but it isn't only you. I have seen this over and over and over again. It makes me doubt when I see someones stuff, if it is real at all. So I had to disconnect for awhile. To my surprise I still have friends without Facebook. Only a handful. But they are real people and real relationships.
Yes, there is a tone of bitterness here. No things are not all wonderful and lighthearted with me. But I'm real, to a fault. Something has to change. Something has to give. There has to be more than the everyday struggle that I face. Yes, I'm vague because I don't believe in airing my dirty laundry.
Please God, let there be an end to the seven years. I need fresh water. You are the Living Water Jesus. You and you alone are who I need. I need to see you in others, and I need the fellowship of other people who desire you. I can't wonder in this desert forever. Rescue me from Egypt and let me be free. Free to love and serve. Free to be the me you created me to be. I have been searching for just who it is I was created to be. Maybe that is not a job, or career. Maybe who I am to be is honest, open, and real. Maybe who you are calling me to be is more about following you and being a reflection of you and your love. This is difficult for me to accept, not because I do not agree, but because every since I was a young girl I wanted to figure out who I was to be. Being is the art of living, not the title of a daily function. Lord, you know I have given my life to you. You bought me with a price and I am to be a living sacrifice, holy and please to God. You keep me in humility tucked under your wing. I am like a little chick that you keep warm and close to your heart. Thank you Lord, and help me to accept my humble lot. All I ask is that you change me and my heart. My heart is prone to wonder. Give me peace in my position, as wife, mom, and caretaker of my home. I know it is my calling, and yet I long for greatness. Help me Lord to long for your greatness, your glory, and not my own. Peace. I need peace in you. Something has to change and it is my heart.
I have been struggling with sin. I have been struggling knowing how to deal with other people's sin. I know what to do with mine, my sin I take to Jesus and repent and ask for help to not do it again. Yes that is a struggle that will always be there. But my dilemma is knowing when to confront, when to not to confront. When I get honest with people it has the possibility to kill the relationship. For me to be honest and say what I see takes a lot of courage and waiting until I know it is the right thing to do. Being honest doesn't mean that I get in someone's face, but it does mean that I face the truth.
Sin seems to be so passe. I have been reading some very traditional types of Christian books lately and sin really never looses it's sinfulness. The problem is that people who are redeemed seem to think that sin is really no big deal. Ha! A popular female singer has a song that has that in it's chorus, "It's no big deal." The song is all about the stuff she and her friends do and she plays it off as no big deal. I have seen this in real life too.
Sin is a big deal. Sin separates. First, it separates men and women from God. Second, it causes wedges in relationships and kills trust. I am grieved by sin. Sin leaves a whole in my heart. All I know to do is forgive, and that is just what God calls me to do. The problem is, even when I forgive, and the other person choose to turn and walk away, maybe because hearing the truth isn't what they want in the relationship, I am left with a whole in my heart. It's like a heart murmurer, you can't see it in someone else, but the person who has one carries with them the effects of that hole. In time it will close up. Time heals all wounds. But non the less, sin is a problem and I have a problem with it.
I'm first a follower of Jesus, a wife of 25 years, a mom to three boys, a baker/cook, a photographer, a friend, and a writer.