Lady In Waiting

Coming to terms with what really is and not how you dreamed it would be, is difficult.  Haven't we all come to this point many many times in our lives?  I don't think it is a novel discovery, and yet it is an on going one.  I cannot control most things.  Therefore, because I cannot control most things, most things don't go the way that I would write them into the script of my own life.

The last time I wrote here it was a bit of a downer.  Things have not been all happy happy, oh look at me I'm going on vacation!  Nope.  Quite the opposite.  I have been stuck at home with my son who is extremely light sensitive.   He had a bad week last week.  When he is exposed to florescent lighting, or cf bulbs in homes, and possibly headlights of vehicles at night, he gets ill for about 2-3 days.  He is extremely fatigued and generally feels bad.  Often along with this he has headaches as well.   One day last week was exceptionally hard.  Every episode of getting sick from florescent lights makes him more and more defeated and depressed about it. Like any mom who loves their kid to death, it takes me down too.  I feel trapped and stuck. Having done all that I know to do at this point, I feel stuck not knowing what more to do. Every doctor or medically special person cost money (often a monthly electric bill amount or more).  Likewise everyone of those people could potentially not get it and tell me that this or that is the problem, when I know they are off in left field.

I thought I would be at a totally different place right now.  Never in my wildest dreams would I have scripted life the way it is now, for me, or for my son.  I really hit a wall this weekend.  I have told my husband it feels like I am walking in the dark; I can't see what lies ahead, and can't plan for anything.  I get my energy from being with other people, from exchanging ideas and stories and experience life, the good and bad, together.  I have learned what it means (only on a small scale) what it is like to be a shut in.  Oh how heart wrenching it feels.  

So many things have left my life.  Things that I thought would be long lasting.  Dreams that I dreamed have been snuffed out.  Hopes and longings not fulfilled.  Who hasn't experienced this?  On a grand scheme of things it isn't devastating.  Like my husband said it isn't cancer. But for me it rough and has made me hit a wall. 

Where is God in all of this?  Hum......sometimes I really don't know.  I know he knows about my son and me.  I know he loves us.  I know His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts.  I trust that he will use this trial for good, as he does all of them for those who are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).  But the how and the why.......I'm in the dark.

The only thing that I do know is that he consistently and quietly calls me to Himself.   He whispers that what I really need is Him.  I seek help, love, validation, from the here and now.

God eternal is my answer, but I'm stupid and often forget. 
 
So what do I do?  Wait.  Watch.  Pray. 

But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength,
They shall mount up on wings like eagles, 
They shall run and not be weary, 
They shall walk and not faint.
Isaiah 40:31

I felt at the beginning of this year God was calling me to rest.  I feel like a one year old child tossing and turning and crying, fighting her nap!  

Come to me all who are weary and are heavy laden and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28

Oh Lord, if I could only completely trust you.  With some things I can and others I can't.  As a mother I have often heard myself tell my kids, "Just trust me," because I knew what was best for them and what was coming down the road.  Heavenly Father, help me to remember that you are my Father who is good to me all the time. 

I am a lady in waiting........waiting on the Lord.